Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which passes understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ. (Philippians 4:6, 7 NKJV)
The first step to overcoming A-n-g-s-t is to admit it, so here goes.
I had a melt-down last week. A big one. In public. In front of friends. At a restaurant. Over the top, even for me, all because of a mistake at work.
I FORGOT TO DO SOMETHING, SOMETHING IMPORTANT- AGAIN.
When the slow-grinding gears clicked into place and I remembered, I was beside myself. I am not a surgeon, pilot, police officer, soldier or in any other profession where a mistake could lead to death, mine or others, but my mental and physical reactions were at that level.
My husband and friends got to hear the inner dialog that was now pouring out of my mouth. How could I be so stupid as to forget THAT? I know I came out of the meeting ready to do it. What happened? Where did the thought go? More importantly, why didn’t I look at my notes? Where were my notes? This always happens to me. Why can’t I get it right? It’s happening again. I’m losing it. I can’t do this. Make it go away. My boss is going to be upset. (She was, rightfully so.) I’m going to hear the “I’m disappointed” talk. (I did.) I hate this. I hate this. I hate this about myself.
UNCURL FROM FETAL POSITION.
I try to explain it to my husband who admits he has rarely, if ever, felt this way. It’s not this one thing. It’s a lifetime of things. All of them proof that I’m the loser my “itty bitty shi@@y committee”, as Jill G on her Anxiety Self Help blog calls negative self-talk, says I am.
I searched Google and found a title for my life – General Anxiety Disorder or GAD. Here are the symptoms:
- Escalated heart rate
- Obsession about small or large concerns that’s out of proportion to the impact of the event
- Worrying about excessively worrying
- Difficulty concentrating, or feeling that your mind “goes blank”
- Distress about making decisions for fear of making the wrong decision
- Carrying every option in a situation all the way out to its possible negative conclusion
- Inability to set aside or let go of a worry
How do you spell K-A-T-H-E-R-I-N-E?
My dear spouse is a fixer, so he offers suggestions. Make lists. Put in a calendar reminder. He eventually becomes frustrated when I resist his help and yells, “Just let it go!”
I stare at him, incredulous. “Are you kidding? If only it were that easy.” But it’s not. It takes focused determination to grasp the good God says about me and to place the negative into His hands and to “let it go.”
If you’re like me and you’re reading this, let’s walk the road to freedom together. As we seek wholeness by talking to a counselor, taking medication, or eating right and exercising, let’s remember to pray. Lord, Prince of Peace – Help us to never forget who we are in You. Remind us daily that we are chosen by You and precious in Your sight. Amen. It shall be so.